Grieving Bobby

By Tonya Allen

How am I supposed to wrap up this grief process? It has been almost 6 months since I lost my 24 year old son. Why am I still crying so much? When will my broken heart heal? Why does it hurt so much? Why did this have to happen to me? Why my son? I have so many questions but where can I find these answers? Where can I find comfort?

To get answers to all of my questions I turn to Jesus. One of his many titles is comforter and counselor and I need that from him. Throughout this grief journey, I have received comfort by drawing nearer to God. I am continuously doing grief work. What exactly is grief work? Grief work for me is the same as drawing nearer to Christ, so, I spend more time in prayer, reading God’s word, and meditating on scripture. Grief work for me may not be the grief work that strengthens you.

I know that God sees my suffering, he sees my confusion, and he sees my heartache. I admit that sometimes it is very hard to feel God’s presence and goodness and I began to question God. These are the times I just close my eyes and whisper one word, “HELP!” I take a deep breath and remind myself that because Jesus Christ came to earth to dwell with us, he experienced all the human suffering that I have experienced, are experiencing, and will ever experience. Knowing that Jesus knows and that he cares brings me great comfort.

I am a certified school counselor with 30 years of experience, and my job mostly focuses on high school students and their educational plans. I did receive enough training to be able to identify when my students may need more extensive counseling. When Bobby died suddenly and unexpectedly, I knew I was going to need some help. I know that there are various stages of grief and I know that each person deals with grief differently. I know I had grief work to do, but HOW do you do it? One of the main reasons why I wanted to go to grief counseling is that I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I always encourage other people to get help from a mental health worker but when I face a tragedy I don’t go and get the help. The beauty of going to a licensed grief counseling is that you can speak openly, without judgment. When you lose a child, you go through so many different emotions: confusion, anger, fear, jealousy, and doubt. But the first emotion I had to attack was acceptance.

It took me about a month after Bobby passed to say the words, “My son is dead.” Being able to say those words had some type of acceptance attached to them. You have to give yourself permission to grieve. Stop worrying about what other people think or say. They don’t understand your pain and your loss. I have plenty of friends that have unfortunately lost a child, but I am the only mother that lost Bobby. I am allowing myself to do whatever my heart needs me to do.

Grief, the heaviness, comes in like fog. Some days you can see through the fog, and sometimes it is so thick you can’t do anything but sit down and wait for the fog to disperse. There are days that grief comes and sits down next to you and you allow it to hold your hand while you cry. Sometimes grief is so heavy it feels as if it is sitting directly on top of you and you feel as if you can’t breathe. These are the days that you feel as if you are physically carrying a large load and you feel exhausted. This is the pain that no one wants to feel or deal with. My body’s only solution is to sleep. My grief counselor encourages me to take a nap on a recliner, grieving is a tiring process and sometimes your body and your brain may need to just simply rest. She strongly encourages me to get out of the bed, bathe, and eat something. Just knowing that grief is in the corner doing push ups waiting to over power me is reason enough to want to stay in bed. Getting out of the bed, for me, is a gesture of planting my two feet on the floor and preparing for another day without Bobby. Psalms 40:1-3 reminds me to wait on the Lord, he will hear my cry and he will set my feet upon a rock and my steps will be secure. But I know that if I don’t deal with my grief, my grief will deal with me. Doing the grief work assures me that God knew it; God allowed it; God has a plan and I have to rest in that. Queen Elizabeth II stated, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” So, I now welcome the grief because my love for Bobby will never end.