By Tonya Allen
In order to find Bobby, first, I must find myself. In order to find myself, first, I must find God. Losing my 24-year-old son has completely changed my relationship with God. My faith is a very big part of my life. I have lost loved ones and friends. I have had financial struggles. Just last year, my family suffered through a house fire, and we were not able to live at home for almost eight months. How much faith did it take to make it through these storms? Was my faith the size of a mustard seed and was it enough to press my way through?
What size faith did I use when I had to pick out a casket for my son? How much faith am I using to be able to start another day without hearing him call me Mom? How much faith do I need to use in order to stop looking for Bobby? I must admit that I am looking for Bobby in every aspect of my life. I simply need to find him. Where is he and why can’t I see him?
Every day I am asking the Lord to help me. I am asking my Father in Heaven all of these questions and wondering why I can’t have answers. If I can’t find Bobby physically, then maybe I can find him spiritually. After all, at some point, I have to go back to my faith. I have gone back and read some of my old articles and old bible study notes. I have listened to sermons and bible study lessons, and beautiful songs with soul stirring lyrics and most days they bring me comfort. Most days, I can find Bobby, my praying and remembering that the God of all comfort is here with me always to hold me. But there are moments when I am trying to do everything but rely on God. I want to find Bobby without God’s help by using my own strength. These are the moments where grief is so heavy, so thick, nothing makes sense, and you don’t have enough sense to call out to Jesus. Thankfully, these moments don’t last long, because at some point, Joshua 1:5, will break through the darkness. “No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you” Joshua 1:5, NIV.
I can find Bobby spiritually because all I have to do is find God. God promised me that he will always be with me in my triumphs and my trials. He will always fight for me and cheer for me. I am in this situation, due to no fault of my own, my faith is being tested. I can find Bobby because God is faithful, and he will never leave me, and I can always count on him. I have decided that finding God is a choice I make constantly by choosing to remain faithful and true to God. God is with me in my time of need and God may be using this situation for his Glory. Lord, thank you that in my moments of weakness, whenever my faith wears thin, or whenever I try to turn away from your loving truth, you remind me that you will never leave me or forsake me.
Thank You for Your precious promises that are all ‘yes’ and ‘amen’ in Christ Jesus my Lord. Where can I find Bobby? He is in the midst of all of the promises that God made me about being with me through all of my seasons and circumstances.
“Finding Bobby” is the fourth installment of the “Losing Bobby” series. All articles can be found on Gumtownmagazine.com. Tonya can be reached at [email protected].
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